The Art of the Breakup

Breaking up is such an important topic that movies, songs and TV commercials have all contributed to the cause. Most people still fail to grasp what an art it truly is. Just think about how many relationships drag on for months or years because of the fear breaking up inspires. But fear not, friends! Here are a handful of ideas to help you navigate these tricky waters.

Suggestion No. 1: Move, at least virtually

With today's technology and social media, you can easily be somewhere else without being there.

• Pros: Easy and super quick. You can be relocated to Kazakhstan faster than she can say "Borat."
• Cons: People will actually believe you live in Kazakhstan.

Suggestion No. 2: Silence is golden

Spread the lack of love with a cold shoulder.

• Pros: Generally a low-risk tactic, and it could even result in the breakup being "her idea." You can also use this free time to log more hours with the boys watching the game.
• Cons: It's a slow process, and she may become unusually cranky until reality sets in.

Suggestion No. 3: Cheat

Nothing throws a wrench into a good relationship like a little extracurricular activity. Ask David Letterman.

• Pros: Sends a pretty clear message, and you get some extra hanky panky.
• Cons: This can get messy. Not recommended for those with a nice car, joint bank accounts or skeletons in the closet (read: video tapes).

Suggestion No. 4: Speak up

George Costanza perfected the "It's not you, it's me" line, but you can borro w it as well.

• Pros: The most mature and hopefully clear method for letting her know it's over.
• Cons: As noted in a current commercial, you can be too soft or too firm. Too soft and you only draw her in closer. Too hard and it can get nasty. (Reread the cons of Suggestion No. 3.)

As you pick your poison and work up the courage to drop the bomb, just remember that you're igniting a volatile situation. She may agree, take the news well and move on. She might also kick you in the shin (or elsewhere).

You also run the risk that the plan backfires and she doubles her efforts to make things work. This can be good if she suddenly starts encouraging you to go out with the guys while she does your laundry, but beware: That can only last for so long and will eventually end in mutual destruction (or at least the throwing or breaking of something valuable).